Load sharing - Paid work, parenting and the 'Mommy Track'

I came home from work today, at about 6:15pm to find all the lights on, mess everywhere and no one home. Normally at that time of day there are kids eating, a father in the kitchen cooking and cleaning and a mother racing around bribing kids to eat another mouthful while tidying up toys and putting a load of laundry on. It was obvious that the house had been abandoned in haste and my mind jumped straight to the worst conclusions. Horrible images of ambulances and glaring hospital lights were immediately running through my head. Of course, it was fine, Sanjay had just dropped the baby-sitter at the train station and no one had tidied up the toys during the day.

But when I’m at work during the day who is responsible for the cleaning and tidying that I do when I’m at home? At our house both adults have reasonably flexible work arrangements, and both contribute to the running of the house and the care of the children. I’ve started working three days a week, sensible hours, for a government department and Sanjay does wine sales for a small company. He works from home (they have no office) and there is heaps of flexibility for him, because it’s all about the sales results. So far this is working really well.

So what happens with the kids now that I’ve started a day job? Asher is in preschool three days per week, 9am til 3pm but because I couldn't get Kiz into any local childcare on such short notice we have a babysitter. She is a family friend who doesn’t have regular work at the moment. She knows the kids and she knows our routines and our arrangement has been working brilliantly so far. She arrives around 10am (I leave the house at 7am but Sanj is around) and hangs around playing with Kiz, doing her own work when he’s asleep and until it's time to pick up Asher then she hangs out with the two of them until we get home. We haven’t noticed any behavioural changes in the kids, and they both seem to really love the babysitter and get a lot out of their time with her. As I think I said before, it's a really good arrangement.

Since I’ve started at this job I’ve again raised the possibility of me being the primary income earner. Despite taking time off during these early years of my children’s lives I would like to remove myself from the ‘mommy track’ and get back into what? A career track? A daddy track? Why is it so hard to have meaningful work with adequate remuneration and some level of flexibility? I want to be able to deal with the dramas that inevitably crop up with young children and aging parents and I want to be able to spend time with my kids but that doesn’t mean I don’t have valuable skills. In my personal experience mothers who are coming back into the workforce and mothers who work part time concentrate more fully on the work they are doing and waste less time while at work. Mothers get very used to being efficient and might be more reluctant to ‘waste time’ changing jobs if they have the option of staying put. Is it up to mothers (and fathers!) to ‘sell’ these advantages to employers? Is it up to savvy employers to work this out? Will we continue to see amazingly innovative small businesses started by parents who want greater flexibility in their work arrangements?

I don't know where I was going with this post anymore - I've been writing it over several days, with work, kids and the usual chaos. Which is kindof an pertinent to the subject of the post, really...

Oh the questions of a 4 year old!

I didn't think the Starbright, Meditations for Children book Elvira brought us today would cause quite so much difficult conversation with my 4 year old. When I pictured parenting a preschooler I expected to have to field questions about things like why the sky is blue (It's got something to do with, ah, reflection or refraction - lets look it up!) and where babies come from (they come from a mummies tummy! - How do they get in there? - Ah, well, ah, when a mummy and a daddy love each other very much and want to make a baby they, ah, well you've seen little plants grow from seeds? Well babies kind of grow from special seeds. Kind of) but Asher still surprises me. Not just difficult but doable questions like 'What is shift work' 'What is the government' and yesterday, driving through the rural fringes of Sydney, 'Is that a Tapir?' (it was a remarkably tapir shaped cow, for any punters out there who might be wondering) but tonight I needed to try and explain magic, guardian angels and what his imagination is!  

I always try to answer Asher's questions simply and honestly, with appropriate depth and detail (I find the key is to answer the question he's really asking, without getting into details unless he asks further) because I feel that is the respectful way to address the genuine questions of a smart kid. And it appears that it's not just his parents and immediate family who think he's a bright kid. We spend a lot of time with some pretty exceptional preschoolers, so Asher seems bright and inquiring but relatively normal for his age but Asher's childcare teacher has noticed his facility with language and his literacy and numeracy skills and has suggested we get him assessed. We are somewhat ambivalent about this and cagey about having a preschooler labelled as 'gifted and talented' (or whatever) but it seems the benefits might outweigh our niggling reservations - we aren't overly happy with how things are at childcare and feel this might be the key to changing things for the better. We are going to ask what they are planning to do with the information with respect to looking after his 'special needs' with the follow-up question being why they aren't currently providing him with a more thought-out program.


So for now, send us sympathy. We need to try to answer all this smart little kid's difficult questions and give him with enough food for thought without overwhelming him. We want to provide for his thirst for knowledge without burying him under our expectations. Really, in the end, we just want the kid to be happy.

Asher milestones

Emailed from Anil's Blackberry
Originally uploaded by karmakeda

Isn't this a cute pictutre? Sanjay's parents usually pick Asher up from Kindy one day a week and they are away at the moment so various other people (well, Anil and my dad) have been helping out with picking Asher up from Kindy. Asher actually seems to be getting on a bit better at Kindy these last two weeks, not many tears in the morning before we leave the house and just a bit of distress when we (usually just Sanjay) drops him off. Anil took Asher to the park today when he picked him up and they spent a bit of time playing with Anil's Blackberry camera - I think he sent me this photo to reassure me that they had fun!

I've been meaning to blog quite a lot recently - I've got a lot to say about Asher and what's going on for him - but I haven't been able to find time when I'm not exhausted. I've also been recovering from the cold that has lasted all winter, and I'm finally feeling a bit more on top of things with my health.

The other reason I'm exhasted is that Asher is really finding his two-year-old self. He's really into asserting himself and testing boundaries and, being Asher, that means he's experimenting quite carefully. At the moment he's trying to work out what the story is with physical aggression generally, and biting in particular so he sets up his experiments. He wants to work out what kinds of biting get a neutral or positive reaction from me (food), what kinds get a mildly negative reaction (toys and other objects) and what makes me really angry (other people). He has been biting objects (toys, doorframes, this morning it was the doona on our bed) and notes that he gets told 'no biting' but nobody moves to stop him. He tries biting me and I say 'NO BITING' very sternly and physically move his head away. The very first time he sank his sharp little puppy-teeth into my leg I brushed him away so quickly it was *almost* a smack, which of course shook me more than it shook him. He even tried biting Audrey on Tuesday afternoon which upset me tremendously. I really hope he works it out quickly (I know I have to stay *really* consistant) and can find some other subject to experiment on. I guess I should be happy that it's such a carefully controlled experiment, even if the fact that he's being calculating upsets me, because my suspicion is that biting-in-anger would be harder to manage.

In better news, his language development has really come on, so have both gross and fine motor skills - he is starting to learn to use scissors, he can roll out pizza dough, he can climb things at the indoor playcentre this week that were impossible last week, he can get the soybeans out of their pods when we have edamame, he puts texta/pen lids on with ease, he opens the door to our apartment, he puts bottle tops on and takes them off, the list goes on and on. He's also starting to be more confident (he shoos away pidgeons rather than bursting into tears) and more assertive with his peers (he has been pushing Audrey out of the way when she tries to get in front of him) which I feel are developments that have been helped by going to Kindy.

There'll be more updates over the next week or so, promise!

Overdue Update

Well, our houseguest Ciaran, the lovely Irish cousin has left on Monday, Asher is in bed singing himself to sleep and Sanj is out at a farewell dinner, so I will ignore the housework and provide a quick update.

Still no job for Sanj, but I'm pleased to report that he has already had an interview and been asked back for a second interview. The bad news is that if he gets this job it will be less $$ and he won't have any time off between jobs (no tropical get-away for us!). The good news is that he will be employed (duh!) and that it's a job that would give him really good experience. At present he doesn't have any sales experience and he knows more about Aussie wine than overseas wine so this job selling boutique overseas brands would really fill a knowledge/experience gap. I won't say anymore about it now, as he hasn't got an offer and we don't want to jinx things.

Asher is still going to 'Kindy' (childcare) on Wednesdays and Thursdays and doesn't seem to really be settling in much. I'm still not overjoyed about the whole situation - far more conflicted than I ever thought I would be before I had kids. I think I might make some time to talk to the director about the fact that there the room Asher is in still has only one permanent staff member and one casual because that's not helping my state of mind and it's something that concrete that I can address.

Apart from that though, he's doing so well! He was up til 9 at night a few times while Ciaran was staying with us without melting down and his language is really coming along with 4, 5 and even 6 word strings becoming more common. (to say they were sentences might be pushing it. They don't always have verbs, but it's usually easy to work out what he wants). He's also starting to have little conversations with his tiny mates. Megan heard one the other day when both boys were in the car:

M: My pants - star!

A (looking at the red star on Miles pants): Yellow star?

M: Red star!

A: Yes.

He loves being chased around the house or park by one of us, calling out "Chase 'im!" as he runs away, because that's what we do. His favourite food is probably olives (pasta with olives and melted cheese is a favourite dinner). He knows I drink cappuccinos while Sanjay drinks flat whites. He loves all his grandparents, aunties and uncles and refers to them by name. He loves trains and buses, loves spotting them and getting to have a ride on them and he can spend ages playing with his trains (a mixed bag of Ikea and Thomas and Brio), either by himself or with a friend or one of us.

As for me, well, apart from being pretty torn about having Asher in childcare, I'm really happy! Life is more balanced than it's ever been for me - I'm enjoying work, where I'm learning about training and the VET sector, I'm about to get some training in a learning management system called Moodle and hopefully at some point in the future I'll be able to pull this new knowledge together with my previous experience, and create a new career for myself. As well as enjoying work I'm getting to see enough of my family and now it's time to work on connecting with some old friends who I've neglected a bit in the rush of daily life.

Of course, since everything is so smooth I'm trying to make life difficult for myself by getting a severe case of wanderlust. I think it's a combination of having Ciaran around for a while and talking with him about his travels, reading books like Bill Bryson's Notes on a Small Island and Salman Rushdie's Enchantress of Florence (both excellent!) and just having life travel smoothly by. I'm just going to have to deal though, coz I can't see us going anywhere past Port Macquarie for a long, long time.

The Childcare Conundrum

Well, I'm all twisted up about the childcare situation again (still?). We went in this morning again to hang out and get Asher used to the place and it didn't go that well. The director was away again (she was away on Monday when we went) but this time there was a replacement, which is a good sign. When we went into the room however, the carer, A, was reading a story to the kids. She's a nice woman but her first language isn't English and she's not a natural story-reader. There was a another young woman there who I assume was a casual, filling in for the staff member who left recently. I described her to Sanjay on the phone as 'breathing meat' because she just sat there, and didn't seem to be listening to the story, and she didn't join in the singing afterwards (I did!) and as the morning progressed she barely interacted with any of the kids. I've also realised that there has been very little smiling or laughing going on amongst the children which adds to the sick-to-the-stomach anxiety I'm feeling.

I really don't know whether I should plow on despite my misgivings or pull the plug on the whole thing immediately. I really can't tell if I'm uncertain about it because the centre and the care isn't up to scratch, or simply because it's a big change and my baby is growing up and beginning to have a life separate from me. Normally I'm pretty good at separating my headcake from external reality (or I like to think I am, anyway!) but in this situation, where 'gut feel' is the best way to work out if this centre is right for us, I'm feeling really lost.

~~~~~~~~~~~

And now, on a completely different note, I'd like to wish little Audrey a very happy second birthday:



...I'd also like to congratulate Karen on surviving two years as a mum, and doing such a good job at it too! Thanks for being a great Aunty to Asher and a good friend for me!

ch-ch-ch-changes

Well, he hasn't escaped from his cot again, but he did pile his blanket, baby and 'hound' up in the corner of the cot and get the picture off the wall, complete with hook, the other day. Thankfully it was a canvas so there was no broken frame/glass/toddler involved (and thankfully the canvas survived too!).

The 'twins' enjoying a milkshake after a run at the park. I got enough time to drink my coffee in a civilized manner!

He is growing up in other ways though. I have really been enjoying my day a week doing paid work and so we started putting our names on waiting lists at local childcare centres. In a perfect world I'd prefer to continue with our arrangement and have Megan look after Asher, but it isn't going to be practical for any of us now (which breaks my heart a little bit). Megan has made the decision to move back with her mum for a bit, for all sorts of difficult personal reasons, and although I'm going to miss her terribly I know she's only 25 minutes away, and if I use chocolate as bait she'll probably still come and visit me and bring some sanity on cranky-kid afternoons. I've learnt so much about dealing with toddlers and keeping me sane and them happy from her and I'm not sure that would have happened if she hadn't been only five minutes stroll away and happy to hang out with us. The boys will also miss our impromptu trips to the park and general hanging out but I'm quietly confident that we'll still see them a fair amount. On a really positive note her move has been the straw that broke the camels back on the driving front and I've had my first lesson and booked in for my second. One practise driving hour down, one-hundred-and-nineteen to go before I'm legally allowed to drive by myself.


Anyhow, this isn't a perfect world and not everybody's life revolves around Asher, so childcare it is. We got lucky and were offered a place at a local childcare centre* and, after having me visit, then Sanjay visit, we're taking the place. I wanted just to put him in on Wednesdays, while I work, but they only take kids for two-or-more days a week (because the kids settle in better), so Asher will be going along on Wednesday and Thursday. He will be starting on the 25th of June, the day before his second birthday and I will pick up an extra day at work so I will be doing paid work on both days. Between now and when he starts we get to go in there as much as we like for orientation. This morning we went at about 10:45 and left around midday - Asher got to have a play inside, eat lunch then play outside and we left as all the other kids were going to get on their little stretcher beds and go to sleep. After he got the hang of being there he did really well, following the other kids when it was time to go for lunch, sitting and eating at the table, putting his bowl and spoon in the right place when he had finished his meal, etc. I think the structure and routine of childcare will really suit Asher, and after the inevitable teething problems I think we'll it'll be OK. It still won't be the same care that we give him but I'm pretty sure we're not going to break him by putting him in good quality care two days a week, and I want to review the whole situation a month or two after he starts.





* I was about to name the childcare centre and include a link, but I figured I might want to keep it private. Perhaps I'll need to vent about them here at some later stage and I don't want to get sued for defamation!

Another day, another dollar...

...And, although it really is only a few dollars, I'm loving the work thing! I'm loving using my brain to sort out detailed and complex problems. I'm loving using my rusty MS Word skills to clean up this set of documents. I'm loving that the people around me appreciate what I do, and put their appreciation into words (that can't always be said for toddlers!). I'm loving working with my mum, because it makes it easy for me to do a good job. I'm also loving having a small amount of time away from Asher because it makes coming home to him in the evening so sweet. Last night it seemed as though he'd grown taller and begun to put more complex sentances together in the space of the day.

So, I think I can safely say that I want to keep working and I'll have to start thinking about what I'll do when this 10 week thing finishes. I have started looking into getting a childcare placement for Asher for two days a week because it seems like my mother-in-law might not be keen to look after him, and the rediculously small amount I'm paying Megan (half what I earn) isn't sustainable for her (even if she insists otherwise!).

It's interesting that most of the mummies I know with kids around Asher's age are putting them in daycare, even for half a day a week (if they can afford it!). It's as though these little people, who have so intensly needed their mums are becoming herd animals and prefer the company of their own kind. I'd really like to find a great centre, not too big and nice and close that has a Montessori-influenced, child focussed philosophy. I'd like them to have Wednesdays and Thursdays free and not charge us anything either, but that's probably starting to push my luck a bit.

Anyhow, because I'm so cheerful today let me share the joy with this pic of Asher and his best mate M sitting on his little couch after their bath in their matching PJs. They were drumming their feet on the ground and laughing their cute little heads off: