I was thinking about a blog post last night as I was drifting off to sleep, and I remember feeling like I had what I wanted to write pretty well worked out. This morning all I remember about it is trying to explain that I feel like I've finally found some sort of equilibrium in my life. Before Asher was born I spent a few years where I was always either trying to get pregnant, being pregnant or miscarrying. Then came Asher and he, of course, turned our lives upside down. I consider myself more prepared than some, having lived with tiny babies before, but Sanjay and I still had to really re-negotiate our relationship as well as our day-to-day lives. All this didn't surprise me, but that doesn't mean it wasn't difficult. I spent a while feeling bitter and misunderstood because there was no way that Sanjay could understand the relentlessness of hanging out with a little baby every hour of every day. Sanjay was in shock with the changes to our lives and suddenly feeling the pressure of being 'provider' while in a job that he's not really that enthusiastic about. Sometime in the last month or two it's changed for us though. I'm pretty comfortable with the fact he won't understand it from a first-person perspective, I'm overjoyed that he is as involved as he is* and I'm getting the occasional day where I have some hours to myself, which makes me so happy to see both Asher and Sanjay. Sanj is feeling more confident as a parent as he spends time alone with Asher, and realises that he can comfort and soothe the baby as well as I can (er, except for not being able to breastfeed), and he's starting to look for ways to improve his work life by putting his hand up for new opportunities. This new-found peace hasn't really happened easily or naturally (for me - I'm sure Sanjay would beg to differ) and, although we still bicker like children and I'm well aware that it could change at any moment, for now I'm enjoying the peace.
* I need to remind myself to do a post about our routine soon! I'll forget this time if I don't write it down!
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